I think I’ve gotten to that point in my life where I just need to grow up. Thinking happy thoughts and believing that everything will be alright isn’t enough. I actually need to go out and do something about it. And I can’t have my parents around reassuring me that everything will be fine. Because it’ll never be enough. And it shouldn’t be their responsibility to make everything easier for me.

That’s my own responsibility. 

And I’m tired of being the silly little girl that goes through life getting by and not really actually setting out to achieve any of her goals because she doesn’t know what she really wants. I’m tired of not being taken seriously by my friends because none of them have ever really seen me upset or mad or sad. 

I’m done with not being taken seriously. So maybe that’s why I’ve lashed out on a couple of people recently, and why I’ve been so irritated…but I feel like it’s validated. 

I feel everything. Every emotion. Every single one. And it’s probably intensified when I’m under stress. Which I’m constantly under this quarter because I’ve been taking 20 credit hours and I’m actually trying to be involved this time around. I don’t have enough time to worry about the things I already worry about, so I don’t need any more added to my plate. I don’t need people coming into my life and telling me something is wrong, or in this case not telling me what’s wrong. I don’t need friends thinking they can treat me however they want and that they can get away with it because I’m not to be taken seriously. And I definitely will not tolerate disrespect from people that have no idea what I’ve been dealing with. 

I feel like my parents dumped everything on me tonight. Everything that they’ve been keeping from me - their fears, their pain, and how hard they’re trying to take care of me. 

And I’ve always felt hopeless to the situation. To R’s problems, to my parent’s….but I shouldn’t. There is something I can do. I’m constantly being told that I shouldn’t worry, that they’re taking care of it and that the best thing I can do is live my life and be happy. 

But that doesn’t do anything. 

And maybe that’s why I’ve given up on the trivial things. Like relationships, friendships, and going out. I don’t care about those things anymore. This past weekend really proved it. Nothing matters anymore - not any of it. 

The only thing that I care about right now are my parents and the friends that have always stuck by me. 

And doing what I have to do to make everything right.